i'm so proud of my camera phone. hehehe.

this picture makes me think of how God and I have been joined together as one. This is my view from the car on my way to my apartment. Beautiful, huh? Most of the time I admire the sky from afar and think of it as a separate entity from the world I live in. But it is not really separate. The sky surrounds our world completely. It encompasses is. The sky and our world are one. Yes it is above our atmospheric level. But it is part of us. We are part of it. We breathe it in and breath it out. And we behold its beauty.

I haven't posted anything in a while because God has been drudging my subconscious the last few weeks and nothing has really come up to the surface until a couple of days ago. In other words, a lot of indefinite things have been stirring in my soul and in my subconscious and nothing had quite pieced itself together yet...does this make sense? I have been asking Father to make His voice clear - that's ALL I want - to hear from Him. Not a solution. Not good advice. Nothing will substitute. Sometimes I feel like my soul/spirit is erupting like a volcano inside me because I want more of Him so badly. And He is trustworthy to give Me all I need and desire of Him.

My dear and close heart friend (ktb) :) reminded me last night that whatever I do, wherever I go is only a means to the end of knowing God. EVERYTHING that happens is (yes, even that stupid camry yesterday who cut me off so mean-heartedly in traffic) for the purpose of our KNOWING HIM. That's it.

And I tend to forget that. A lot. Lately the things have been getting my eyes off of Jesus are things like - where the heck am I going to go next year? What am I going to do? What job am I going to take? and Jesus is saying - stop worrying and realize that these questions in your mind are there on purpose to carry you to My embrace and comfort. Surrender you mind and heart. Rest and Trust. Eyes on Me.

katie told me to duck tape my eyes to Jesus. Maybe I need to weld them to Him. ha.

Even though my mind runs a million miles an hour it has been so good to know that I can relax and just be with Father - resting and trusting and knowing that (in the words of Jon Foreman) - All that's in my head is in Your hands...

love potion no.9

All you need is love - woah buddy is that not the cliche statement of the century!! But this week, I have found it to be so true. Ever seen Love Potion No. 9? It's an oldie but definitely a goodie. It was just on TV the other day so I plopped myself down on the couch to watch. Sandra Bullock (this is one of her first films), an awkward and lonely young lady, buys this love potion from this genie lady. This potion is so potent that just one little diluted spray into her mouth has the most handsome guys on their knees begging for her attention.

One little drop did the trick.

This weekend was flooded with fatique, exhaustion, and deep craving and need for the affection of God. Why is it that I chose to go through days without it? I get so fed up with my self-destructive habits. Is it laziness? Is it bondage? Who knows. But there is no doubt that the sweet Spirit of Jesus knew exactly what He was doing. So I was brought to a point of brokenness because I just couldn't go any longer without Him and cried out (outloud) to Father in desperate need for His mercy.

• In a snap of the fingers, Katie B is calling on the phone and invites me to her house to sit, talk, cry, and rest.

• An hour later, I got a voice mail from a dear friend telling me that she was just thinking about me and wanted to tell me that she loved me.

• The next hour I receive a text from another friend (yes, these are somewhat out of the blue) saying that she also loved me and wanted to hang out soon.

• The next day I receive yet another text message from my dear friend Cassie saying that I had been prayed for at 4:09 p.m. that day.

Is this not the Lord showering me with His love all over the place or what? And this is merely a DROP, a mere shadow of how GREAT, how IMMENSE, how INTENSE His love for me (and you) is. How great of lengths He goes every day to show us that He just honestly and genuinely CARES about US.

Since then I have been learning a lot about "present risenness" of Jesus. What is this? Brennan Manning (Abba's Child) explains...

"the present risenness of Jesus as 'life-giving Spirit' means that I can cope with anything. I am not on my own. 'I pray that you may realize...how vast are the resources of His Spirit available to us' (See Ephesians 1:18-19.) Relying not on my own limited reserves but on the limitless power of the risen Christ I can stare down not only the imposter and the pharisee, but even the prospect of my impending death."
...........And it is a daily choice to live in realization of this fact. And it gets hard, I've realized. There are days when feelings run rampant - frustration, anger, resentment, fear, self-pity, depression, etc.

"So HOW does the life-giving Spirit of the risen Lord manifest Himself on days like that? In our willingness to stand fast, our refusal to run away and escape into self-destructive behavior. Resurrection power enables us to engage in the savage confrontation with untamed emotions, to accept the pain, receive it, take it on board, however acute it may be. And in the process we discover that we are not alone, that we can stand fast in the awareness of present risenness and so become fuller, deeper, richer disciples. We know ourselves to be more than we previously imagined. In the process we not only endure but are forced to explain the boundaries of who we think we really are."

"the mystery is Christ among you, your hope of glory" - Colossians 1:27

"Standing on a London street corner, G.K. Chesterton was approached by a newspaper reporter. 'Sir, I understand that you recently became a Christian. May I ask you one question?'
'Certainly,' replied Chesterton.
'If the risen Christ suddenly appeared at this very moment and stood behind you, what would you do?'
Chesterton looked the reporter squarely in the eye and said, 'He is.' "

why are You still here with me?

katie played this song for me in the car a couple of months ago. something about this song stirred a part of my heart that hadn't felt touched in a while.

ever experience that?

so i finally got a copy of the song for myself. listened to it on the way home tonight. and wow. the tears came pouring out. and I'm laughing. MY GOD IS SO AMAZING. He loves me...so much!

"why are you still here with me?
didn't you see what I've done?
in my shame I want to run
and hide myself
but it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

but I need you to love me and I
I won't keep my heart from you
this time
And I'll stop this pretending
that I can somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me

I have wasted so much time
pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You
could cherish me!
Cuz You're a God who has all things
but still you want me

and I need you to love me
and I won't keep my heart You
this time
And I'll stop this pretending
that I can somehow deserve what I already have

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been
And I need you to love me"

lately i have felt so separated from my own heart. and consequently I think I have attempted to keep Father at arms length. old ways of living independently of God have subtly crept up. or maybe they were there all along and He's just revealing them to me? i guess it doesn't matter. either way, He is revealing them to me NOT to show me how I am failing Him or that He's disappointed in me, but to bring me closer to Him. WOW. He wants more of me. He's a God who has all things - yet still He wants me!

Sara Groves has an amazing new cd out and I highly recommend it. In one of her songs she talks about an awakening to the beauty that surrounds her and how alive she can really be and feel. About this time last year, Father started to show me how He romances me. I think this song captures His heartbeat in me.

Just Showed Up by Sara Groves and Joel Hanson

I'm going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real
until I'm truly amazed

I'm going to feel all my emotions
I'm going to look you in the eyes
I'm going to listen and hear
until it's finally clear and it changes our lives

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real
...Oh the glory of God is man fully alive"